The Price We Pay For Love

7-27-2013


Grief is the price we pay for love
Queen Elizabeth II

About four years ago I wrote a post about grief for Four Perspectives, the first blog I was involved with.  In that post I wrote about coming up on the first anniversary of my husband's death. I wrote about how fast life moves on after someone leaves us and about  how grief, though painful and profound, is the proof that someone was really there.

Before Four Perspectives, I'd never been too sure about blogs.  I mean there were some blogs that my friends wrote that I followed and I enjoyed - I just wasn't sure that anything I was doing was interesting enough to blog about.  But my friend Jason convinced me that I was a good enough writer, or at least that I had a skewed enough perspective on the world to be interesting enough at least some of the time and invited me to write on his new blog.  The best part being that on Four Perpectives, I wouldn't have to carry the load of being interesting all by myself because, as the name suggests, there were four people writing.

After awhile Jason convinced me it was time to have a blog of my own, if only to expand my own skewed view of the world a little more.  And it was almost a year ago exactly that Jason helped me set up this very blog.  We came up with the name and he helped me pick a preliminary design and taught me how to navigate around a little bit.  You may notice though that even though it's been a year, this is actually my first post on "To Mel and Back."  This is largely because the day after Jason helped me set up this blog, a series of events began to unfold that ended in the death of my friend.  It was a sudden and troubling death that I'm not sure that any of his friends will ever fully be able to deal with.  So even though I finally had a blog of my own, I just didn't have the heart for it. I couldn't really come to this page without dealing with the grief of my friend's passing and I was not finding much comfort in those feelings or memories and just didn't want to write it out.

But a year has passed.  A year without Wednesday dinners with my friend, a year without talking (and complaining) about our jobs, a year without comparing photographs, songs, movies,vacations, sorrows, blessings, accomplishments and basically being a witness to each other's lives.  I didn't have the heart to write it all down this year and I'm still not sure that I do. But I do know that not writing hasn't helped me feel better, and I've been thinking lately that Jason would be really, really mad that I haven't been writing - especially since the last thing he did for me was help me set up this blog because he, at least, enjoyed my writing.

So I think it's time to write again  - it's time because life does move on.  Even though I have had sorrows this year, I have also had accomplishments and blessings. I am building new friendships, renewing old ones and I had the most interesting vacation of my life.  I'd love to be able to tell Jason all about it because I know he'd be excited for me.  And maybe, in a way, I will be.

What It Should Be

(Originally posted on Fourperspectives.blogspot.com on 6/3/12)

Don't marry the person you think you can live with; marry only the individual you think you can't live without.  ~James C. Dobson

I just got back from a trip to New Mexico to visit my brother and his family.  My brother, I'm happy to say, is really a good guy. He married young. Had two sons with his first wife. Was divorced, then a few years later, married again and has been happily married now for almost 13 years. The operative word there being happily. 

I don’t get down to New Mexico to visit very often, but when I do, I’m always so happy and relieved to see my Big Bro with his second wife, JM. I think this is because he was so very unhappy in his first marriage - I think it almost broke him.  Although with the childhood we had, I think he may have already been a little broken – we both were.  But  since he married JM, he’s gone through  a change. I don’t know if it is a change that everybody would notice, but I see it as profound.  Big Bro was never what you would call an extrovert, but each time I see him  (every three or four years) he is easier and more open with people and seems generally more content with himself.  Not that everything has been just peachy-dandy with Big Bro and JM.  They have certainly had challenges with raising the boys from marriage #1 and with not just one but two Army tours in the Middle East for Big Bro, having to close his self-run business while serving those tours and then trying to build it again once he’s back. And then to top it off, some serious health challenges with their new baby girl.  So it hasn’t all be easy for them, but it has, I think, been easy between them.  JM has been so good for my brother and I think he is good for her. They admire each other and enjoy each other and rely on each other and in the end they are stronger because of each other – no matter the challenges they face.  Marriage changes you I think. Both my brother’s marriages changed him.  In his first marriage, he was on his way to becoming the worst version of himself. His second marriage is helping him to find his best self and whenever I see that in him, it almost makes me want to cry…in a good way.

This would be a longer blog than you’d ever want to read if I were to talk in detail about myself and my marriages. I’ve had two; one long that ended in divorce and one short that ended with the death of my husband.  Both marriages changed me of course and I think I feel the lack of that now.  Marriage gives you someone else to rub up against, and I don’t mean that in a sexual way…at least not in this particular blog. What I mean is that being married means there’s someone in your life that forces you to evaluate your behavior sometimes on a daily basis.  In a good marriage, your rough edges are smoothed by that daily buffeting and, like my brother, you make changes for the better. It’s much easier to fall into selfish and self-centered behavior when you don’t have that daily reminder to look outside your own needs.  There’s also something to be said about being yoked with someone else to pull your life along…or lives along if you are lucky enough to have a partner that will pull with you.

I know there’s a lot of people that lament the high divorce rate and argue that marriage shouldn’t be so disposable – that people should stick with it and fix it.  Even though I am one of those lamentable statistics, I agree with that. I agree that marriage takes work, but I would argue that sometimes there isn’t enough viable material to work with.  I see evidence around me every day of what a blessing marriage can be in people’s lives.  It’s exactly those examples of happily married friends and family that made staying in an unhappy marriage so difficult. I’ve never asked my ex-husband directly, but it seems to me that he is happier now with his wife #2. More importantly (to me at least) I think my boys see that he is happier as well and at the end of the day, I want them to be fully aware of what a happy marriage looks like – even if it’s not my own.

I don’t know if I’ll ever have the kind of marriage that my brother has.  There are times when I still hope so.  But I do know that I’m not willing to settle for a marriage that is less than what it could be…and what it should be.

Rotten Tomatoes

(Originally posted on Fourperspectives.blogspot.com on 5/17/12 - the topic was to discuss our most embarrassing moments)

How many of you have ever started dating because you were too lazy to commit suicide? – Judy Tenuta -

I have to agree with Lori that life…well, my life anyway, is just a series of embarrassing moments. Actually, there are degrees of embarrassment aren’t there?  There’s the “oops, wasn’t that cute or funny” kind of embarrassing. Those usually involve falling down, or ice cream in the face or the dreaded wardrobe malfunctions of life. Then, there are the really abject humiliations. These can occur when you insert your foot into your mouth so far you could bite your own kneecap, or when your own selfish behavior comes back to haunt you. And sometimes, humiliation and embarrassment can be heaped-upon-your-head by someone else.

I have had plenty of the first kind, some of which I’ve written about in the past few years here on 4P.  Like the time I fell off the treadmill at the gym (because it was dark). Or the time I fell off the trail while hiking on Y-Mountain (because I have feet). Or the time the woodland creatures at Girl’s Camp reminded me just how disenchanted and un-Disney-princess-like I am.  Then of course I’ve had plenty of the second kind too.  There was the time I realized I had been calling one of the dads from the ballroom team by the wrong name for like a whole year. Actually this same thing kind of happened again in my Sunday school class just last week.  I’d been calling a kid by the wrong name for like two months since he moved in.  In my defense though, it’s not like either of them said anything.  Which I suppose I can understand because there is a lady at work that I’ve known for about 3 years now who calls me by the wrong name all the time and I haven’t told her either.  And besides being simply clueless sometimes, there are lots of times that I have been just plain thoughtless in my behavior.  I look back of some of the things I have said or done …I’m embarrassed and I wish, I wish I could take it back.

But the one I’m thinking about today is actually one of the third kind.  The one where humiliation is heaped-upon you by someone else. Sometimes it’s because they are just plain being mean, but sometimes it’s because they’re trying to do something nice….something for your own good even and it just goes horribly wrong.

I had one of those happen to me only a few weeks ago...and it was pretty bad.

I have a friend, a relatively new friend who just finalized her divorce a few months ago and so, like myself, is now single.   I have been single for coming up on four years now and have only very recently started thinking that maybe being alone isn’t exactly what the doctor ordered…even though I’m pretty sure it probably is.  I am very different from my friend.  She has been officially single for about 4 months and is signing up for dating sites and basically putting herself out there to take another swing at wedded bliss.  It seems to have worked for her because she has found a new relationship that she seems to be enjoying and who knows where it could go?

I am happy for my friend if she is happy and I admire her courage. But my friend, on the other hand, is worried about me. I guess basking in the glow of new romance really makes her want to share the love and she has really been encouraging me to put myself out there too.  She has even coerced me into signing up for an online dating site.  You may be thinking “online dating site? Wow that is really embarrassing.” You’re right, it is (at least for me), but wait, there’s more.

After I signed up for the site she actually expected me to do something with it…you know…talk to men and even arrange to meet someone. This whole thing hooks directly into every awkward and inadequate feeling I’ve ever had about myself from the time I realized I’d probably grown into too much of a girl to play tackle football with the boys anymore. I don’t think I’m a troll or anything. I have, after-all, managed to get two men to marry me -  but it’s not like it was love at first sight.  I kind of had to grow on them….over long, long periods of time…you know, wear them down.   I’m just not the kind of girl a man is going to notice while picking out tomatoes at the grocery store and then follow around for her number.  On the other hand my friend is exactly the kind of girl a man would stalk up and down every isle in the grocery store for her number. But you see, my friend is a kind, kind soul who I genuinely don’t think really understands the difference between the kind of girl she is and the kind of girl I am.  She sees admirable qualities in me that she thinks men would respond to.  I appreciate that, I do.  But I've also spent enough nights sitting home without a date and missed enough proms to know that “admirable qualities” aren’t what get your foot in the door when it comes to dating. 

So after all of that, you may be wondering why, if I am so reticent about the whole “online” scene, I went along with all of this.  Good question.  I’m trying an experiment with my life lately.  I’m wondering if people aren’t brought into your life for a reason. You know, to help you grow.  No offense to the millions of online daters out there, I know it’s fun for some people, but I’ve never been very comfortable with the idea myself.  On the other hand, I’ve been single for almost four years now and there isn’t anyone in any facet of my life that I am remotely interested in romantically (or conversely, is interested in me). Nobody I even flirt with just for fun. So, if I am going to meet someone (even though I’m not completely sure I want to) maybe online is the wave of the future.  My friend certainly thought/thinks so and maybe that’s one of the reasons she’s come into my life – ‘cause I certainly wouldn’t have done it on my own.

This is where it gets bad.

So, after several weeks of lurking unobtrusively on the dating site I actually “talked” to a few prospective dates. Then after a few more weeks, I actually arranged to meet “a prospect” at a local restaurant.

I arrive at the restaurant first.

I am nervous.

I am embarrassed to be here,

I was embarrassed just getting dressed for the date.

But I am here.

I find myself wondering, while I’m waiting, about the etiquette for the online hook-up.  Does HE pay for dinner or do we each pay for our own?  And how am I going to know that going into the date?  Should I just ask right up front?

I kind of know what the prospect looks like from the fuzzy pictures on the computer, so I’m pretty sure I see him when he walks in.  He’s wearing cowboy boots.  I’m not saying that’s a deal-breaker for me, or anything, it’s just, you know, information. Because I had told the hostess my name and the name of the man I was waiting for, she directed him over to where I was sitting.  I stood up as he approached and we shook hands then sat down in the booth. 

I smile at him.  He seemed ok - nice looking –a bit older than me and pretty tall (though I’m sure the boots helped with that).  He was a little heavy-handed with the aftershave, but at least he smelled good.

He stares at me intently for a moment. Then he leans back in his seat, sighs deeply and  places both hands heavily on the edge of the table.

Then he spoke.

“You know, I’ve been doing this online dating thing for awhile now and I don’t believe in wasting anyone’s time.” He had a nice voice with a little bit of an indefinable drawl to it...but I can't help but wonder what's coming next.

“Okay.” I say cautiously.

“You seem really nice, but this…” he says kind of waving his hands to encompass the entire package that is me, “…isn’t what I’m looking for.

“Okay.” I say again.

“So, I’m going to wish you a good evening. Enjoy your dinner.” He then slides out of the booth, stands up, and out of the Red Robin he goes.

As he’s leaving he passes the approaching waitress who was coming over to take our drink order and who, of course, I happen to know from Ebay’s former ballroom team.

“Okay.” I say to her. “I guess I know who's paying for dinner.

See, I told you it was bad.

A Fancy or a Feeling

(Originally Posted on Fourperspectives.blogspot.com on 9/15/11)

If there were no God, there would be no Atheists. ~G.K. Chesterton

So I was talking to a friend the other day about God.

This friend is kind of wishy-washy about religion and actually professes to be leaning towards atheism. By the way, this friend was not Teachinfourth – just in case ya'll were wondering after his searching for God post awhile back -although we have spent a fair amount of time sorting through faith,belief and other such ethereal topics. Anyway this mostly atheist friend was trying to explain why believing in God just doesn’t make any sense to him. He believes that people just use God as an excuse to explain whatever coincidence they want to explain. He is an atheist on logical grounds – there is just no proof that God isn’t just a figment of mankind’s imagination.

I have to say that he is right. Believing in God is entirely illogical…and I like to think that I’m a pretty logical person.

But I believe in God anyway.

Now, I do not have a perfect faith, but I do believe there is a God and that there is a plan.

I was trying explain my faith as we were talking and I hit upon this analogy. Of course I didn’t think of this analogy until the day after our conversation…it would have been much cooler and more satisfying if I could have formed this argument in the moment of debate…but whatever.

Here’s what I think…

Belief in God is all about feeling and intuition in the same way that being a parent is all about feeling and intuition.

I mean, when you have a new baby there are times when you simply don’t know what it wants. You’ve fed it, changed it, burped it, rocked it, sung to it, and the baby is still crying. Because you hopefully want to be a good parent (and because you really want to get some sleep), you keep trying to figure out what your baby wants. Through trial and error you slooooowwwwly come to recognize the signals that your baby is throwing out there. You can tell the hungry cry from the cranky cry. You can tell the “I’m just throwing a fit” cry from the “something is really wrong” cry.

Now to anybody else a baby crying is just a baby crying - could mean anything or could mean nothing.  But to you, the parent who has spent hours and hours and days and years studying this child, that cry means something…something specific.

Can you prove it?

Well…maybe not.

But you know what you know and you feel what you feel whether it’s logical or not.

Believing in God is a quest. A quest for a feeling that helps you find answers to questions that, like your baby's cry, only you might understand. It takes a lot of time and a lot of practice but eventually, slowly, you start to recognize the signs...and then maybe even start to sleep through the night.

Mother Bear

(Originally posted on Fourperspectives.blogspot.com on 4/21/11)

Beauty isn't worth thinking about; what's important is your mind. You don't want a fifty-dollar haircut on a fifty-cent head. ~Garrison Keillor

So I went with Ebay to a concert the other day.

We were standing in line to have our tickets scanned and in front of us about two spaces was a group of 4 or 5 teenage girls - my guess is somewhere between 15 and 18 years old. They were kind of standing in a little semi circle as we all stood in line so that a couple of them were facing the people behind them – which included Ebay and me.

After a minute or two in line I notice the girls whispering to each and looking at us – well not at us really as much as they were looking at Ebay.

Checking him out really.

The two girls facing us whispered back and forth a little then kind of leaned over and whispered to the girls who’s backs were to us. Sure enough, one by one they each turned around briefly and surreptitiously scanned my baby boy. Once they all got their initial look they all kind of kept finding reasons to turn around or quickly glance back and then whisper even more to each other – glance/whisper, glance/whisper, glance/whisper.

I was a little taken back I have to admit. Now I’ve always thought that Ebay is a cutie, but I’m his mother – I’m supposed to think he’s cute. I glanced over at him and tried to evaluate him objectively.

Casual but stylish outfit. Artfully tousled hair. Startlingly blue eyes.

Oh Crap…I think he may be crossing over from merely cute to handsome.

It sure looked like those girls thought so anyway.

I was hit with a strange mix of feelings I can only describe as proud-stage-mother combined with protective-mother-bear. On the one hand it was nice that these girl's thought Ebay was cute enough to check-out. But I found myself wanting to prowl back and forth protecting my cute cub. They can admire from afar – but don’t get too close and for Heaven's sake no touching! How does Brad Pitt’s mother deal with this kind of thing? Ok, maybe not Brad Pitt…Zac Efron perhaps (in right light) …with Justin Beiber’s squishy cheeks.

At this point I glance over at Ebay to see if he’s noticed this female phenomenon.

Oh yeah, he noticed.

He noticed but to his credit he was also being totally cool about the ogling and acting like he didn’t notice by casually checking out something on his phone – possibly his own reflection?

Ebay was still standing next to me - and because I didn’t want to totally embarrass him and since he was already looking at his phone, I pulled mine out and sent him a text.

Mom Text: Looks like you have fans?

Ebay Text: Yeah.

Mom Text: Does this happen to you a lot?

Ebay Text: Well, sometimes. A girl sent me her phone number through the drive-thru Tube at work the other day.

Mom Text: Well, that’s.... flattering.

Ebay Text: I thought so.

Mom Text: Did you call her?

Ebay Text: No – I was flattered but kind of freaked out.

Yeah, I can relate.

Red Lights and Destiny

Originally posted on Fourperspectives.blogspot.com on 3/13/11)

Our destiny hides among our free choices, disguised as the free-est of all. ~Robert Brault

Spoiler Alert: Mel reviews and discusses the new movie The Adjustment Bureau and might accidentally blow a central plot twist for you. Reader beware

So I took myself to the movies last Friday night. I don’t usually mind going to the movies by myself. I’m generally confident enough sit alone in the dark the best part being, of course, that I don’t have to share the popcorn. But then again I usually have the good sense not to go to the movies alone on a “Date Night.” Talk about a hyper-single-awareness evening. And to top it off I went to see The Adjustment Bureau, which, as it turns out is quite the romantic movie. But despite the fact that it was a romantic movie and I was surrounded by romantic couples which only served to heighten the single-awareness, I actually still really liked the movie. It felt like kind of a cross between Sleepless in Seattle - the idea that the person that you’re meant to be with is out there somewhere, and City of Angels - the idea that angels are around us helping to keep things on track…with a little free will and It’s a Wonderful Life thrown in there for good measure.

The premise of The Adjustment Bureau is that there is a plan written for everyone (in what appear to be those black and white student composition books) and everyone’s plans kind of interconnect to affect the course of the world. And, as we go along through life there are “adjustment angels” that kind of nudge us along in the direction of the plan. So, for example let’s say you have plans with friends for the evening. Your drive home from work usually takes 15 minutes. But on one particular day you hit every red light along University Avenue which means that you’re running late and are not going to have time to make dinner before you meet your friends at the movies. So you decide, because you’re running late to stop at the new hamburger place up the street where you meet the new waiter (or waitress depending on your gender preference) who turns out to be the love of your life. You marry and have 4 kids, one of which turns out to discover the cure for the common cold. Now, were all those red lights just chance or, what is the Adjustment Bureau angels making sure that you followed the plan they had laid out for you and thus for the world? As the movie previews show, Matt Damon wants to be with Emily Blunt but the Adjustment Bureau doesn’t want that to happen because if it does she will never reach her potential of being a world famous dancer/choreographer and he will never reach his potential of becoming the President.

So it sounds like the “angels” are looking out for what’s best doesn’t it? Well, this is where the tricky part comes in. Who’s to say which plan is the best? How do we know which is the best “potential” to have realized? If the main characters are apart they achieve fame and success. But if Matt’s character is with Emily’s character, he will be happy and it will be enough. He won’t feel the drive and determination to keep looking for more and trying to win just one more election.

I thought that was an interesting question. We all have endless potential and endless directions that our lives can take and who's to say which path is the best? Who can say if it is the better life to become famous and powerful or to toil in anonymity but raise a good family and have a happy home? I think it’s good to have goals and it’s good to want to achieve things, but I also think that a truly valuable life can come in all shapes and sizes.

So go see The Adjustment Bureau, I think you'll like it. Plus it will give you something to think about that the next time you’re hitting nothing but red lights – both literally and metaphorically. Maybe your potential is about to find you, but maybe you’ve already chosen it for yourself - special notebooks and fate of the universe be damned. Just be sure to take someone with you on a Friday night.

Shiny, Happy People

(Originally posted on Fourperspectives.blogspot.com on 1/13/11)

Cleanliness becomes more important when Godliness is unlikely. P.J. O'Roark

Over Christmas break I did a some spring cleaning. I suppose I could call it Christmas break cleaning, but I’ll stick with spring cleaning because technically it was cleaning that I really should have done back in the spring. But, the giant Girl’s Camp Monster swallowed me up and then suddenly it was time for school to start again and then Superdude got married and then… Ok ok ok so who am I kidding? I just didn’t want to do it ok? It was a lot of cleaning and re-organizing and going through boxes and boxes of random stuff and I procrastinated as long as I could.

But apparently I have not yet reached the point of being a candidate for the TV show Hoarders because I just couldn’t stand it anymore. I could feel the giant jumble of stuff lurking down there, probably spontaneously multiplying while I slept and I had to do something about it.

So I bought a WHOOOOLLLE bunch of plastic totes from Walmart, unfortunately online, so I didn’t actually set foot in the store. My loss apparently as that is where hilarious blog opportunities are born. My Walmart totes were delivered by a handsome UPS dude that I unfortunately don’t have any good stories about either (except that he was still wearing shorts in December…brrrrr).

Anyway, once the totes arrived Ebay and I set about cleaning and reorganizing the much neglected downstairs area industriously packing totes, and collapsing boxes while vacuuming, dusting and mopping every grimy corner, cobweb and dust-bunny. Clean Sweep and Clean House and all those other organization shows would have been proud of us – even though it really sucked. It was totally not fun and I realized several times while standing in the middle of piles of sh…I mean stuff why I had put it off for so long – I hate cleaning.

I come by my hatred honestly though. My family had a cleaning business when I was a teenager where we worked for several large apartment complexes in Arizona. We would clean the vacant apartments to get them ready for the new tenants sometimes 10 or 12 apartments a day – that’s a lot of refridgerators, stoves, ovens, bathrooms etc. So you see, I feel like I filled my cleaning quota at a very early age.

Unfortunately, the flip side of all that cleaning is that I do like things to be clean. I think I must be trying to fool or maybe motivate myself because I’ve noticed that I seem to pick cleaning products with very inspirational and happy names. I noticed I was wiping down the dusty plastic shelving with Fantastik. I used Behold on the old wooden rocking chair. I had a bucket of warm sudsy Joy for cleaning the grout between the tiles. I was backed up by Resolve to get the chocolate syrup stain out of the carpet. And when we were done we threw all the dirty rags into the washing machine with a Cheer!

The product manufacturers must be on to the fact that people may require some inspiration from their cleaning products because there’s lots of other product names apparently designed to send you running gleefully for the sponges and rubber gloves. Besides the ones I found under my own sink, it doesn't take too long for other's to bubble to the surface. Pledge, for example, came to mind - perhaps helping us pledge to take care of grandma’s antiques? Gain: you’ll gain more friends if your clothes are clean? Dawn for those early morning dishwashers complete with sunrise and birdsong? Shout or those who like a little affirmation with their spot removing. All because everyone should be in on the laundry. And I noticed something at the store the other day I’d never heard of before called Fabuloso (really – it is) – which is obviously self-explanatory.

Anyway cleaning still sucks, but Behold it looks Fantastik downstairs (or at least a lot better anyway) and I’ve “Cheer”ed up a lot since we got it done. Ebay was a Joy to work with and inspired me with his Resolve to keep at it till we finished. But even with all of those products trying to fool us into being shiny happy people - I still wouldn't want to do it again for at least another 409 years.